When things get tough... hang on hope

Bismillah...

This coming 16th march, there will be a meeting between Malaysian education attache and postgraduate students of Auckland. I was informed that Prof Dato' Dr. Hassan Said will be coming... This will be a great opportunity for me to meet him and convey my intention to seek financial assistance to fund my studies.

Argh..!!! it's a very tough journey. The main reason of my application of SLAB being unsuccessful, I guess, is because of my CGPA for my degree. Tough it's a second class upper.. it's not so appealing. I was a mere medium achiever not scorer.. well generally very few A's.. lots of B's and few C's... and unfortunately one D and one F...

Although I can't change anything...bak kata pepatah nasi da jadi bubur.. now I feel very frustrated, annoyed and regret. And I want to share here reason of that D and F which had affected my CGPA and eventually (maybe) disqualify me for any SLAB...huuaaaa....

That D was for Islamic Ethic II. My lecturer was very pious and I admired him for his knowledge and humbleness. But Allah love him more and he passed away during the middle (or rather towards the end) of the semester. Our class was taken over by another lecturer, young but very cynical in his opinion and judgement. Some of my colleagues were well known students like Adi Setia (now ISTAC if not mistaken) , Hafiz (ABIM-IIUM president at that time) & Marsufah (now a lecturer at IIUM). This new lecturer used to conduct discussion among students, and we argued on so many fundamental belief of Islam related to Ethic. On many occasion, he used mainly reasoning to justify his arguments. Well.. it's alright and in fact Islam encourage his believer to reasoning but if there are clear statement in the Qur'an and authentic Hadith that something is forbidden, then it's forbidden. Most students including me used to have opposite opinion though! I remember one hot discussion on salah and good deeds. "Who will enter jannah, the one who perform his prayer regularly but performs no goods deeds, or someone who has many good deeds but he did not pray?". Most of us thought the first will enter jannah, provided that he really perform salah. We argued that salah is a main religious duty, a compulsion, one of the pillar of Islam. In one of hadith (sahih) also mention that salah will be the first question asked during Day of Judgement. In relation to good deeds, if one performs salah and is understanding the true meaning of salah.. he/she will not do any mischief and always try to be a good muslim and mukmin. However, the acceptance of one's salah can only be judged by Allah, not people. This lecturer said NO! it's purely our good deeds that will determine our future in the hereafter... (even if we do not perform salah?)There were so many debates... and most of the questions he posted in classes were in the final exam. I did exactly what I thought right, answering the questions based on Qur'an and Hadith... not merely to please this lecturer... and as a result..you know...'D'... Later it was rumoured that this lecturer was one of a kind like 'Amina Wadud'!

And for the F... it was English Language, level 4... (I'm not showing off...but I think my English is not too bad...) This English teacher Z**aw* was not happy with my performance in class. Instead of guiding and supporting me, he asked me to see him... and he was complaining this and that, the system, his salary bla bla bla (during the meeting). He even showed me his salary slip, believe me... and in short, he really unmotivated me, and I took his classes very lightly. In return, F... it was during short sem. so just imagine how my CGPA was affected! Later when I join IIUM as librarian, I met this Z*w**i few times. At a time, exactly after I parked hubby’s car near ITD, he cynically asked “So you own a car?” “yes, ….excuse me” (I used to avoid him) At last, he managed to stop and really talked to me. Well.. guess what was his initial reason for approaching me.. selling insurance! (Takaful National)… I had one already, I said… then he started his complaining.. again.. for not supporting Islamic insurance (although I took an Islamic insurance too)… I wouldn’t forget him…never…

Well.. that’s the sad part of my degree… I had flying colours for my master degree…. Although generally your cert is not everything… most universities in Malaysia are pointing your CGPA as main criteria prior to considering you any employment as tutor/lecturer… In an interview with UPSI (few months ago, in Malaysia), the interviewer asked me to explain why I got a ‘low’ result for my degree….! KUIM (USIM) was one of early universities that I approached for SLAB. I phoned them from NZ... "we consider only second class upper and CGPA above 3.0..." I argued mine was second class upper... but still NO! fullstop!... huaaaa... I'm hopeless in regards to my CGPA.... I hope, really hope that some universities will look at other areas...my curriculum activities, my experience, my current situation (temporary enrolment at AUT, plus availability of supervision) etc etc...

Though the path that I choose to make my dream come true is not easy, I believe there is still hope and I will work for it.. I envy those who can pursue their PhD, some even say 'I have to'.. not that 'I want to'... arghhh... I really want to do it, but I don have enough money...I remember when I did my master degree, I really wanted to write thesis so that it's going to be easier for me to conduct research at PhD level. Unfortunately, as recommended by lots of lecturers as well as the Head of Department at that time, I choosed non-thesis option. Why? First the recommendation, second, I wanted to finish in time (2 years) so that I could find a job and start helping my parents financially, and my younger sisters as well, Dina was doing her degree (later did her master) at USM and Alin her cert (and later diploma) at Polytechnic Port Dickson. Alhamdulillah I was offerred a job as librarian cum lecturer even before I finish the final exam. I still remember the exam was on saturday. On sunday, I rush back home to Muar and on monday I start my classes, teaching Pengajian Islam and Pengajian Am. Then after a semester working at Cosmopoint (Muar), I was offerred a permanent job at IIUM as librarian... Alhamdulillah. June 1st, 2000 marked a new episod of my career life. I love my entire life in IIUM for the job I did and for the reason that I met my hubby overthere...During my second year of serving IIUM, I applied for academic position at DLIS, IIUM. I attended the interview by the Kuliyyah, though the letter that they gave me indicate 'an informal interview' I did well, I guess, in the interview. I was even asked to conduct impromptu 'teaching' during the interview. But the proposed research area was not well prepared I think..Later, I got an info that my application was keep in view. I waited and waited... then time flew. after years of waiting, my family and I headed to Auckland in July 2005, my hubby is doing his PhD.. and here we are...

First year of staying here was rather busy, having new baby, Danial, when Humaira was only 14 months old. And I remember... only when Danial was 7 months that hubby start throwing the idea of doing PhD... and I was inspired and motivated. 'Please gimme sometime to think' I said... and it was early Ramadhan 2006 that I decided 'yes! I'll give a try'. So the first move was to prepare a good proposal... It was not easy though...I hang to hope... after few months (arghhh... why it take so long!) I manage to come up with a proposal, approached Prof Gary and he's willing to supervise my research. The next move is to find a fund or scholarship... hips of efforts indeed... then IIUM gave me hope... well, you know what happened...

This is indeed a very long post... an expressive of my thought and feeling, I guess... frustration, anger, regret and hope...and UTHM may be my promising hope... while other universities have turned me down... IIUM, KUIM, UPSI, UPNM... I don wanna say UTHM is my only hope since I'll work out something else if I could not get their scholarship, but I really hope they will offer me scholarship, ameen.. Dina told me that my application for UTHM has reached the registrar...

Please Allah help me go through this tough journey with courage, patience and hard work.
Hang on hope... and Jai yo!