Self reflection

In this journey of PhD studies, I realise that in most occasions, I share thought or ideas that reflect myself, what kind of person i am, my attitudes towards life, my values, my inner 'whisper'...

What is the most that synergize you? I could not think of the answer straight away when the question was asked during the 'Emerging Researcher Workshop' yesterday at AUT Akoranga.. Someone beside me answered that her urge for an answer to questions she has in her mind, that synergizes her..

Why it is so difficult to answer a simple question? After a long pause, I think my answer is the urge to have a better future... so the future synergize me..!

What kind of future do you want to have then? whose future are you refering to? when will it be? the next few weeks, the next few years? or the life after death, that future? I ask myself..

I have met a number of people who are driven by their personal inner conflicts/motivation to start their research journey. This is especially true among migrants to this country. However, my research is initially driven by my motivation to get a phd, i.e. a paper qualification.. is that right? is it all about paper qualification? NO! I remember when I first applied for academic position, I was a librarian, I envied those academics who have all the advantages to conduct research and get thousands of research grant; and the advantages to pursue studies and get professorship, and to go overseas to attend conferences, etc. I really envied them. As librarian, I see myself as 'second class' employees in academia, the one who serve the lecturers and professors and students. So that urge me to join the academics, so that I can also enjoy all the advantages of being an academics! I remember when my husband was an engineer and his paper was accepted in a conference in Germany. His bos did not allow him to present his paper merely because 'second class' employees do not present papers in conferences overseas, only the academics do so! It hurt and my motivation grows..

I tried very hard to get this scholarship to pursue my fream. And when I am on the way of doing it, all my history and motivation seems invalid now, seems too little, seems insignificant anymore.. I need a bigger answer.. I need to stand out from the rest, I need to be more than that!

And throughout this half way journey, there are so many things that change myself, the way I see my self, the way I see the life, the way I value whatever I have around me, family, supervisors, friends, colleagues..

Just a reminder, whatever you become, just remember your status in His eyes... His pleasure is your ultimate goal.